Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Independence Piece # 2

I really had no idea where I was going with this story when i began writing it. As I just kept writing about a man on a walk through the rain, a new idea, or place to go with the story popped up in my head. I wanted to write a story where I could really show emotion and feelings, and that's why I never gave the protagonist a name. Someone is still a figure with traits, qualities, and feelings no matter what he/she is called. I thought i could have done a better job characrerizing the lady, especially physical, to give the story more meaning.



The man walked. That’s all he knew at a time life this. No destination or purpose, the young, frightened man walked a way of the unknown. As he trudged along the usually packed sidewalk, the downpour of rain encumbered his body. A quick glance at the skyscrapers towering over him failed miserably as the rain easily pushed his eyes away. Most incredibly however, the further the man made his way, the more darkness surrounded him, as if the darkness itself was planning an attack.

After a few minutes, which seemed like hours, the mysterious man reached a large park. He turned his head to see the path he had come from, but horrific was an understatement. After about fifty yards, everything possible seemed transformed into darkness. Without any more thought, the man kept forward, yet forward does not always refer to progress. Suddenly, a man, calmly sitting on a bench, seemed to break through he darkness and appear only a few feet away. Surprisingly, the man was wearing a bright yellow rain jacket, which for some odd reason attracted my senses. Usually I would just stroll on my way, and ignore the unique event that lay in front of me, but everything had changed on this night. Why not this as well? Immediately after sitting on the opposite side of the bench, the invigorating new figure asked him a question.

Quickly, as if time was short, the figure asked, “Where have you come from?”
The young man had a feeling a place would not satisfy the old lady, which was finally visible. He thought for a few moments and confidently replied, “More problems then you could imagine.”
“So you’ve given up?” the mysterious, yellow-jacketed lady immediately threw back at him. Without another word, the old lady stood up, zipped up her jacket, and disappeared into the unknown. Suddenly, the man who had taken this walk to escape his problems was now trembling as if a swooping breeze had just come over him. The man's walk was a sucess as he finally knew exactly what he had to do.

2 comments:

elena prisciandaro said...

I like how you make the protagonist assume that the figure is a man, when really she's a woman. And i really want to know what exactly it is that he he figured out that he has to do..

Mr. Popken said...

Intriguing. I agree with your own analysis--more characterization of the woman. Alos, try to avoid saying "the man" so often. Keep going with it.